Something I read:

Where was she going anyway? No matter how fast she ran, no matter how far she traveled, her past went with her. She could make all the fresh starts she wanted. She'd still end up in the same place.
Joy Fielding
"Mad River Road"

This had a big impact on me. Probably because I have "started over" countless times over the years, always thinking this time would be different. It never was. Somehow I always fell back to old patterns. I guess it's because after I tentatively started telling myself the truth and going with my gut, I would start to get uncomfortable. I don't know why that is. You would think it would be more comfortable to go with your gut and when your gut whispers "Hey--you're doing it again", you (instead of stuffing the feeling in that dark place in your soul) would listen to it. I'll try to keep that in mind this time.

Defining Moments

My defining moment was the moment I took a good look at myself and was disappointed with what I saw. The moment I knew I had been lying to myself for 53 years about my life and what defines me. I really don't know what defines me. I say I know what my values are, for instance, truth is a big one for me but how many times have I told a little white lie to avoid conflict or discomfort in my life? Too many times to count and I am not at all proud of that. And that's just one of the many examples I could use. Don't get me wrong, my intentions are good. But untruth is a lie any way you look at it. And that is not the person I want to be. So here's the deal. First I'm going to analyse my values and define myself by those values. I know it may involve some (actually a lot) of discomfort on my part but I will prevail. My first defining value is truth. I need to put on my big girl panties and deal with rigourous honesty. No matter how uncomfortable that makes me. Period.